LIVE laugh LOVE! Then die from a heroin overdose MY PLAN FOR BERLIN

To find an (affordable) apartment in Berlin, holy crap. I – thank God – am in the favorable position of having an apartment. The rent is a bit too expensive though for me to pay it by myself so I’m on the search for a roommate at the moment.

My honest opinion, after already having advertised the room a couple of times on the Internet in the past, is… 60% of the people who apply make no effort of leaving a good first impression whatsoever, 20% are completely incompatible with not only me but basically humankind and suffer by pure existance, and 20% of the people’s applications are worth of being taken into consideration.

I am sorry my dear reader if you are also looking for a flat at the moment and having a hard time. I bet you write great applications. Just give it a bit more time.

If they are bad as fuck though, you might want to consider using a bit of that elbow grease to improve them applications you’re writing. Maybe even use that person’s name (the person whose room you consider renting) in the greeting formula. I mean it’s okay if you have a copy paste text. Next level would be something personalized of course but more than half of the people don’t even use my name when writing me a message, and my name ain’t long nor is it hard to write.

So yeah, I don’t wanna be mean or anything, so don’t get me wrong, but I, when reading some of those applications, had a really good laugh. I will share some excerpts from these applications with you today. As might be expected, I ain’t gonna say them people's names.

“Dear landlord” it said in one of the messages I received. I didn’t know how to respond to that, since I’m not the landlord. I’m also just renting that place. So, I told him that he can just call me lord. Furthermore, he told me that he’d be interested in viewing the room before making a decision whether he wants to rent it or not. Smart fella, I must admit. I was just about to send him my bank account details and to let him know that I will need a first payment of 1,500€ immediately.

In the next message it actually said, “Hey Leo”. Awww! First plus point, and so easy to get. Please keep going my dear. It said that she doesn’t smoke in the apartment (very nice of her), that she’s into sports (me too, so that’s cool), likes thriller movies (cool), and indie music (also cool). But then it took a turn. She told me that she ain’t that good at cooking, which is okay because I love to cook, and my food is actually quite good (at least that’s what my mom says, and moms don’t lie, do they?)

Leo: Mom?

Leo: Mommy!

Leo: MAAAAAAAM!

Leo’s mom: Yes, my beloved child?

Leo: would you lie to me?

Leo’s mom: I would never lie to you my perfect little angel!

Leo: Sure?

Leo’s mom: Yes!

Leo: 100% sure?

Leo’s mom: Yes, my dear!

Leo: Ok good! I’m a great cook then.

(She lied to me. She would never call me her little angel. There’s few things I love more than provoking her by burping and farting at the dinner table while we eat. She prefers to call me a little pig. Thinking about it… she hasn’t invited me over for dinner in ages… I wonder why).

But where were we? Oh yeah, she doesn’t cook, so I would do the cooking. It said, “If I’m not the one cooking, I’ll bring the beer and clean up the mess afterwards.”

Inner monologue:

“I cook every day. Will she bring beer every day? Will we drink whenever I cook a meal? What if I cook something for lunch and then once more for dinner? Will we have beers for both meals? What if I get hungry early and cook something ‘round noon? Will we have beers at 12PM? And which mess are we talking about, because when I cook, I clean up simultaneously and there won’t be a mess, so that can’t be the mess she’s talking about. How many beers will she get? Will we get shitfaced and trash the kitchen so that it will have to be cleaned afterwards? Is that the mess she’s talking about? And will that happen whenever I cook, so every day at least once? I don’t know if I want that or maybe I will just have to stop cooking then.”

In the end it said, “Thank you in advance and be happy.” I felt a bit forced to do so, but at the end of the day, does it matter if I'm happy by force or by free will?

Next one:

“Hey, if you are looking for a relaxed and creative roommate, today is your lucky day" (oh my God finally! I thought to myself) "You definitely have to get to know me" (I again felt kinda forced, but ok. Ain’t the first time today and besides that… it’s my lucky day). "My name is… and I have always stayed that way" (I don’t know what that means). He then started to make it sound like he gradually wants to take over my apartment because he wrote:

“I bring my passion for art with me. I even have my works hanging in my room and can then spread them step by step throughout the whole apartment.” (AAAAAAAAH! What if don’t even like your art?)

I imagine waking up one day, stumbeling zombielike into the kitchen, not able to yet raise my head and rubbing the sleep from my eyes. My new roommate sits at the table with a mug of hot steaming coffee in his hands. The terrific smell lingering in the air. A big smile resting in the center of his face. I look up, look into his eyes, and they tell me everything. His task is now fulfilled. Panic is rising but it is already too late. It is time to surrender. There is no escape. He has wallpapered the entire apartment with his art during the night. He owns the walls and therefore also the apartment. I take a deep bow and ask, “What would your highness like to have for breakfast?”

There is one more application which I don’t want to withhold from you. It wasn’t what she wrote me, that made me think “you are the perfect roommate”, but what was hiding on her Instagram profile, that she kindly shared with me. She’s artsy and into making collages, which I think is pretty cool. She had a bunch of those on her Instagram. On one of her collages, it said “NO! I DON’T HAVE a boyfriend But I have serious mental issues instead” (that’s good to know). On another one it said “LIVE laugh LOVE! Then die from a heroin overdose MY PLAN FOR BERLIN” (I will not comment that one). It also said “ACAB” on there for some reason.

Closing words:

That last girl got the room. I have a really good feeling. Maybe she can teach me the real authentic “Berlin lifestyle”, that I have not been able to acquire yet. I’m also really looking forward to scraping her from the floor of the apartment after she has fulfilled her plan for Berlin.

Dear reader, I hope you enjoyed today’s content and as always, much love.